“A Ticklish Bookish Bonanza”

By Nadeem F. Paracha – 

2013 saw the publishing of some fantastic books in Pakistan. Many of them were based on great insights on whatever has been haunting Pakistan for decades. Here’s a review of these amazing books.

The Benazir Murder Mystery: Solved! By Liver Stone

According to this fantastic new book on the mysterious Benazir Bhutto assassination, famous Hollywood director, ISI spy, and Musharraf fan, Liver Stone, proves that the former Pakistani PM was killed by a 2.2 air rifle pellet that was fired from the third floor of a paan shop in Siberia in the former Soviet Union in 1962.

The pellet then traveled for many years across Europe and Central America and hit BB in Rawalpindi in 2007. It then rebounded and struck the lever of the vehicle she was traveling in, a piece of which hit her head; the same bullet after three years then went through Baitullah Mehsud’s stomach.

Furthermore, after traveling back and forth between Disneyland and Kabul, the pellet finally hit former ISI sleuth Khalid Khawaja in 2010, and was last seen chasing Hakimullah Mehsud in South Waziristan.

Stone’s theory has been hailed by critics and experts for its clarity, simplicity, and believability. “Yeah,” said Pervez Musharraf. Just why he said this is anybody’s guess, but it did get him 80,000 Facebook fans.

How socialism destroyed my life By Tariq Ali Jr.

Written by famous left-wing intellectual Tariq Ali’s son, T.A. Jr., this book tells the heart-wrenching tale of the writer’s formative years as a teenager. We find how he had to go through the horrors of living in a household where he was forced to read the violent works of Karl Marx instead of the Harry Potter series, and rags like Socialism Today instead of enlightening magazines like GQ.

The poor lad wasn’t even allowed to say ‘Allah Hafiz,’ and was ordered to only say ‘Khuda Hafiz,’ which the author found to be an ancient Persian ploy to adulterate pure (Arabic) Islam. T.A. Jr. finally managed to make his father throw him out when he applied tons of gel on his hair so he could start looking like a slimy corporate yuppie, and at the same time he grew a two-foot long beard to become a religious fanatic!

The most uplifting part of the book is when T.A. Jr. one day meets his father halfway between a shopping mall and a mosque and tells him: “I am totally confused. Yeah!” Just why he said this is anybody’s guess, but it did make daddy buy him an iPod.

The Da Vinchi Code II By Jan Multicolour

The long-awaited sequel retells the tale of Leonardo Da Vinci, the famous Italian inventor of the pepperoni pizza. However, after crossing over to the dark side of the force, Da Vinci, instead of pizzas, starts sketching drawings of muscular naked men.

He is thus sent to the Spanish Inquisition by Pope James Bond the XI, where he meets famous Japanese Samurai warrior, Suzuki Honda Kawasaki, and wants to marry him. But Honda goes vroom, vroom, and refuses. This breaks Da Vinci’s heart and he changes his name to Leonardo Di Caprio and screams, “I’m the king of the world!” Just why he said this is anybody’s guess, but it did make James Cameron a billionaire.

Mullah Omar: The complete biography By Oreo Maqbool Biscuit

Written by macho scholar, Oreo Maqbool Biscuit, the book reveals that Mullah Omar, the renegade one-eyed leader of the Taliban, was known as The Marlboro Man before he quit smoking.

After quitting smoking he met another famous quitter, Aamir Liaquat, and both decided to fight against the evils of democracy, communism, Judaism, Hinduism, smoking, thinking, and winking – or just about anything other then breathing (which, nevertheless, Liaquat claimed was a Hindu yogi innovation to distract Muslims from the true path).

Financed by the great suit-tie jihadi, General Hamid Bull, Omar settled in the liberal and peaceful Scandinavian country of Afghanistan, but in the process somehow lost an eye.

His supporters maintain this happened when a reluctant quitter, allegedly future Pope of Hollywood, Mel Gibson, poked a burning cross in one of Omar’s eyes. But others believe he lost the eye when he winked at the popular Lollywood judo queen, Shireen Mazari. She is said to have landed a swift, sharp flying kung-fu kick to his right eye, saying she mistook him for a Blackwater agent. However, Liver Stone is convinced that the eye was hit by the same bullet that killed Benazir.

Meatball Days By Dr. Hindutva Cola

A griping novel about a modern, middle-class Indian girl who is distressed by the rise of the anti-globalisation movement in India. She becomes a heroine to millions of young, middle-class Indian women who pledge that each one of them will do all they can to persuade the spoilsport anti-globalisation activists to stop attacking shopping malls and instead invest their energies in more constructive, patriotic, and nationalistic acts, such as attacking old mosques, Christian missionaries, and Laloo Prasad Yadev.

Bedouin Nights By Shaikh Alama Bin Jihad Bin Sultan Al-Fitnah

Based on the life of a famous late nineteenth-century Wahabi Saudi king, the book is a detailed look at renowned religious scholar and oil merchant, King Al-Wahab-Nayaan Bin Kong, who proclaimed that it was okay for the faithful to marry five camels.

The whole book is about how the king is loved and revered by faithful (men) across the Muslim world and how he married 94 times, out of which about 51 of his brides were camels and the rest included Arabian horses, Yemeni Sheep, Afghani Yaks, and at least one Klingon kangaroo.

Froth Smoke By Hakeem Shahid Barood and Sangsar Abbasi

A devastating, apocalyptic account of the former PPP-led coalition government, Froth Smoke is unique because not only was it written with a pen, but the ink used in the pen was made from all the froth that emitted from the TV anchors’ mouths while talking about Asif Zardari.

Keep away from children.

The Muslim Master Race Lectures and Dialogues of Nakir Zaik and Baymaar Liaquat An excerpt from Nakir Zaik’s lectures:

Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, a Christian brother in the audience asked me about a Hindu sister who has a Mormon brother who wants to marry a Jewish sister, but the Jewish sister, like my Christian bother eats non-halal chips! Well, my Christian brother, it is clear that your religion is weak, as is the religion of my Hindu and Jewish sisters, and the religions of all my non-Muslim brothers and sisters and sisters and brothers in the audience, because eating non-halal chips and chewing on non-halal pencils makes them weak. They have only sin on their minds, darkness in their hearts, and chips in their bellies. So, basically, brothers and sisters and sisters and brothers, what I am really saying is that we Muslims are actually a race of Übermensch supermen! Here, check my biceps.

An excerpt from Baymaar Liaquat’s dialogues with various ulema:

BL: Jinaab, please tell us what religion says about burping?

Religious Expert (RE): Well, burkhurdar, it is a sin to burp more than thrice after breakfast, five times after lunch, and seven times after dinner.

BL: Jazzakallah! And what about women?

RE: Well, women should follow the burping patterns of cows and goats, but unfortunately, in these days when western culture is making us eat non-halal chips, most women are following the burping patterns of cats. I think they should all be shot!

BL: The cats?

RE: No, the women. Cats are fine. They don’t eat non-halal chips.

The writer is a culture critic based in Karachi. He tweets @nadeemfparacha