Recently, Pakistan’s blind cricket team reached the final of the World Cup and though undefeated up till then, it withered.
The loss inadvertently came after Pakistan blind cricket team’s captain was mistakenly made to drink dishwashing liquid.
It was a genuine mistake.
I don’t know what the hullaballoo was about. After all, in Pakistan we drink dishwashing liquid all the time. In fact, sometimes when the viscosity of a particular dishwashing liquid doesn’t go with a dish of mutton karahi, we drink shampoo. Herbal ones like Bio Amla have medicinal qualities good for the throat. Besides, the dishwashing liquid is good for cleaning intestines.
For their generosity and warmth, Zeeshan Abbasi decided he would return the favour and lose to India. You don’t play in India to win in India, especially after the inglorious visit of Yousaf Raza Gilani in the Mohali semi-final where he met Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, and ‘cricket diplomacy’ was the new catch phrase in town.
The ongoing series between Pakistan and India has the potential to be the series to end all series. But we Pakistanis have a few tricks up our sleeve, and keeping cricket diplomacy in mind, the selection of the cricket team as it is has left little doubt about what they’re planning to do.
Whether, it’s the water issue, or the Kashmir issue, or drinking dishwashing liquid for breakfast, the clever thing to do would be to politely lose the series. Give it a fight, or try to give a fight, but wear the ‘we’re not capable enough’ halo and lose. And for that Pakistan cricket team has selected the best possible diplomats.
Let’s analyze the diplomacy skills and player profiles of some Pakistani players before moving on to their Indian rivals.
Shahid Afridi
If ever there was a cricketer who thinks he is the reincarnation of Che-Guevara, it’s Shahid Afridi. When he’s not playing cricket, he’s locked in late night discussions with his team on how to take over the world. And that, too, in 10 minutes.
If you can’t take over the world in ten minutes then the plan ain’t worth it. His second mission in life is to score runs and that, too, very quickly to impress upon the opposite gender.
If he can’t score runs, he’ll pull up a silly face, sling an absolutely preposterous shot and flick his hair just in time for the photographers to snap a picture for another shampoo advert. Of course, when drug tested, Shahid Afridi was tested positive for awesomeness, a substance found in the blood stream of Hulk, Iron Man, Maula Jutt and Natalie Portman.
Misbah ul Haq
Misbah isn’t one of us. It gets quite obvious when you note the signs. He doesn’t seem to age. His face is emotionless. Misbah is an alien sent to the Pakistan team to guide Pakistan cricket to a calmer, saner version of cricket.
When he notices that the game is going too fast, he slows it down. When it’s going too slow, he hits two sixes with effortless ease like slicing butter. When we have to lose, he makes us lose.
The single greatest thing about Pakistan cricket team is its flair for craziness. Misbah brings the calm. He has his own way of doing things. And it’s the Misbah way, like it or not, believe it or not. Sometimes, and more often than not, you would find Misbah holding the bat, walking his way down the ground after having lost what could have been termed a winnable match.
Then, you have Misbah emotionless on the pitch, clapping without a hint of a smile after having secured the most spectacular victory one could have ever imagined. All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women are merely players, Misbah has a role. To be what is required of him and that is what he’ll be in this series.
Umar Akmal
The Akmal brothers, infamous for their butter fingers have been accused of fixing, of politics, of deliberately missing catches. To accuse them of taking money for missing catches is like accusing legless people of not running fast.
However, Umar Akmal has something in him similar to Imran Khan, and before someone throws a vase at me let me elucidate.
Imran Khan was one of those very few people who would change his shirt midway during a match to tickle the fantasy of hundreds of female admirers who would ooh, aah and giggle.
Umar Akmal with his cocky style of batting does the same to middle aged men. His playing style is so exciting, that men in the commentator’s box can hardly contain their emotion as they Ooh, Aah and sometimes let a hehehe slip their tongues as his batting tickles their fantasy.
And as Jarrod Kimber notes, when the giggling subsides comparisons are made with some cricket greats. “Mark Nicholas thought Umar showed the flair of Slater, the determination of Lawry, the soft hands of Healy, the angry demeanour of Chappell, the boyish charm of Warne, the luck of Grieg and the overall super human qualities of Richie Benaud.”
If he can try to keep away from his older brother, and not lose his wicket early on in the game one can expect him to do rather well in the Indo-Pak series.
Saeed Ajmal
Saeed Ajmal is tested positive on a drug. It’s called happiness. Whether you’re winning the match or losing it, he’ll still have a cute smile on his face. Be it the final over of the match where he just gets hit for 50 runs or a spell of outright wizardry where he flabbergasts five batsmen into the hutch.
Saeed Ajmal is the modern day off-spinner who can teach his girl friend leg spin with an orange. Doosra’s, straighter ones, you name it and he’ll bowl it. His doosra, had it been a cobra, would have killed batsmen. If I were to bet on one person for Indo-Pak series, it’ll have to be Saeed Ajmal.
Suresh Raina
Suresh Raina is great on the field. He is however, not so great behind his computer. In fact, he leaves it on for his nephew to update his twitter account from. He looks like the reincarnation of Arjuna Ranatunga. The crowd loves him, because he invariably tells them to calm down when they jeer at the Pakistan team in India. He likes to swim with Irfan Pathan because they’re romantic. At night, he transforms into a kid he calls the nephew. Then, he writes hate tweets about Pakistan, which aren’t hate tweets but rather tepid slapstick attempts at humour.
Harbhajan Singh
He likes calling people with afro hair, monkeys. Andrew Symonds doesn’t like him too much. He also likes slapping Sreesanth and making him cry. Because that’s what he does — he makes people cry. If Bhajji gets a look in, he will be out there to do just that in the Indo-Pak series. After all, he’s the turbanator.
Gautam Gambhir
There’s a reason Gautam Gambhir is called Gautam Gambhir, (Pronounced: Gotham). Comics are based on real life characters, they exist, sometimes in obscurity and sometimes in Third World countries. Gautam Gambhir is the real dark knight. He is also the owner of Gautam city. It’s a Honda City, that he calls Gautam City. Just a few years ago, Gautam City was a fringe batsman, and few knew about him. Everyone knew he had talent, but very few knew he was Batman. And then he un-leashed himself. Gautam city can’t play with restraint. He’s a batsman who sledges, but what else would you expect a guy to do when a city is named after him. He also elbows people when angry, but then again, so does Christian Bale in the movie. Unfortunately, for Bale there’s no ICC to suspend him for a few matches, but Gautam City has borne that brunt. He’s an experienced lad now. How can whoop some ass, and ass some whoop with his Gotham City.
The writer is a journalist based in Islamabad.
