There is a face peering out from numerous banners and posters on the streets of Lahore. The mouth is stern, the eyes stare off into the distance, one finger rests pensively over a cheek; it is the look of a man pondering dreams, ambitions, and possibly a severe case of constipation. It is the look of a man holding the destiny of a city in one hand and an assortment of laxatives in the other. It is the look of the Chief Minister of Punjab, Mian Shahbaz Sharif.
His charm is undeniable. His poise irresistible. He’s a thinker, a philosopher, a poet, he’s fought off mosquitoes, hair fall and common sense to give Lahore the greatest innovation in public transport since the high ass van, so named because of the elevation passenger’s posteriors frequently attain, to give Lahore buses on flyovers.
You see, while the city was trapped between load shedding, gas cuts, sectarian tensions and the launch of Asim Jofa’s lawn collection, the minister in chief, his Excellency, the Nawab of Raiwind, decided in his not quite infinite but sufficiently large wisdom, that the answer to all of these problems was to build more flyovers.
Lahore, which until recently had been a fairly horizontal city, now has overhead vehicle and pedestrian bridges like a teenager has spots and acne, you can spot a new one every day. Accompanying these is a dedicated lane for buses on the single biggest road in the city, the Ferozepur road, and a large part of the lane is on the flyovers themselves. His Excellency contends that this facelift will not only alleviate the growing problem of traffic in the city, but also improve the fortunes of struggling steel mill owners all across the family.
The construction process has been long and arduous. Routes have been blocked by rubble and pit holes and barricades and confused commuters, often bringing movement in the city to a grinding halt. His Excellency once claimed that his grand desire was to make Lahore look like Paris. If he meant Paris right after it was bombed in World War 2, that desire has been sufficiently fulfilled.
In any case, most of the work is now done. The Metro Bus service, as it is called, was officially inaugurated last week, and just to clear things up, the name does not refer to transport for men who get manicures and pedicures.
Three buses broke down on the day of the launch. There’s no fare for the first month. The plan was to keep them free for longer but then they realized this is Lahore. People here would queue up for Gonorrhea if it was free. Lahoris piled on for their free rides. Man on man, armpit in armpit, some sitting some standing some squatting some just suspended in mid air. They probably thought it such a revolutionary bus service that every seat takes four or five people. The windows had to be opened so folks could breathe and still be alive when they reached their stops.
The buses also run on an elevated track for about 8 kilometers. After the passengers are unconscious from the lack of oxygen they’re deposited next to giant escalators that don’t function. To get back to earth people are expected to fall down the equally giant staircases one at a time, in a neat and orderly fashion, eventually touching ground in the middle of the street only to be run over by some car.
Going up is also a pain, of course. Imagine having to wear hiking boots every time you want to catch a bus. The old and infirm will now get to experience the pleasures of a cardiac arrest while on daily travails. The young and able can cancel their Basheer Gym subscriptions and get a riveting workout every day.
But at least it’s all done. When last year his Excellency claimed that the project would be completed within a year, nobody believed him, least of all the people who were constructing it, but ignoring prudent technical advice is the hallmark of a great leader.
At least the bureaucracy came out in vocal support of the timely inauguration, as per official orders issued at the start of the month. The festive inauguration was on Sunday the 10th of February and officious looking people were chirping away their admirations and approvals, despite the project running into the healthy billions, greater than the official figure of thirty.
“Sure he spends a lot, but look at what he saves on haircuts in every year!” said the Joint Secretary of Looking Confused in Meetings.
“This will provide free transport to 40,000 people a day. Whether they want it or not,” also said the incumbent Secretary of Being Most Closely Related to the Chief Minister.
But not all facets of society are pleased. “I built a plaza on Kalma Chowk expecting lucrative returns. Now there are so many bridges around it no one even knows how to get there anymore,” said a disgruntled businessman.
“If he builds one more bloody flyover, I’m moving back to Canada,” said a prominent religious figure.
“I just want my city back,” said a random guy on the street.
The writer is a journalist based in Islamabad.
